Let's Talk About Dogs

Actually this is a “bait and switch” piece. Sorry. We’re going to talk about something completely different. Let’s talk about racism. But not for long because it’s a depressing and stupid topic.

There’s only one race: the human race. Period. End of story. Is that too tough to understand?? It’s very common. For example, there’s only one race of canis lupus familiaris: …Dogs!

Where one might get confused, I suppose, is that there are beagles and bassets and dachsunds and weimaraners and golden retrievers and jack russell terriers (and other terriers) and great danes and toy poodles. Et cetera. People (with a brain) call these varieties “breeds.” They evolved, ahem, were UNnaturally selected by humans from an earlier generic dog form. And that dog may or may not have looked like a wolf, but more likely a pretty hefty jackal (with a quizzical tilt to its head… how absolutely adorable!).

Well, humans are like that! We did not unnaturally select ourselves into different breeds, but we did so naturally. Over time. Red hair, pale skin, and freckles wouldn’t do very well in SubSaharan Africa, but in cloudy and overcast Ireland or Scotland it doesn’t hurt at all and distinguishes you from the surrounding rain forest. On the other hand, If your human grouping has lived equatorially for a long time, you are likely to develop more melanin, because you don’t want to be a crispy dead idiot.

Nevertheless, in all their varieties, human beings can “interbreed.” Quite easily. And I can speak from experience: It’s really fun!! And so can dogs! My cousin once had a dog that was a cross between a basset hound and a saint bernard. He was named “Fleetwood,” and he certainly was. You can mate a horse with a donkey, but then you get a mule, which no matter the sex, cannot reproduce at all. Kind of like ignorant, slovenly, bearded white men (or women) from Arkansas… but for an entirely different reason. In short, human beings cannot reproduce with other species. However, if you watched any coverage of this year’s CPAC convention, you might believe differently.

Now I’m absolutely sure that a lot of racists own dogs. But how do they live with themselves and their pets? Are they tempted to send the chihuahuas back to Mexico? the afghans to Afghanistan? the pekingese to China? the yorkies to East 81st Street? Seems they’ve got a problem with philosophic consistency here!

But dogs don’t! Mutts abound. Like humans have from the beginning. Maybe this is because man is not the only tool-maklng animal, man is not the only reasoning animal, man is Nevertheless, in all their varieties, human beings can “interbreed.” Quite easily. And I can speak from experience: It’s really fun!! And so can dogs! My cousin once had a dog that was a cross between a basset hound and a saint bernard. He was named “Fleetwood,” and he certainly was. You can mate a horse with a donkey, but then you get a mule, which no matter the sex, cannot reproduce at all. Kind of like ignorant, slovenly, bearded white men (or women) from Arkansas… but for an entirely different reason.

Now I’m absolutely sure that a lot of racists own dogs. But how do they live with themselves and their pets? Are they tempted to send the chihuahuas back to Mexico? the afghans to Afghanistan? the pekingese to China? the yorkies to East 81st Street? Seems they’ve got a problem with philosophic consistency here!

But dogs don’t! Mutts abound. Like humans have from the beginning. Maybe this is because man is not the only tool-maklng animal, man is not the only reasoning animal, man is not the only potentially-gay animal. We have only one truly unique quality from all other lifeforms on this planet: Man is the conceited animal. (You doubt this? Ask any woman. And fuck you.)

Let’s be very clear: This piece is not concerned that much about Nazis or Klansman… At least these people “have an ethos” as Walter pointed out in “The Big Lebowski.” They are easily identified, easily rounded up, and easily disposed of. (I don’t know what is taking us so long, though…)

No. We’re talking about all the Others: the ones who fret and sweat about property values, critical race theory, immigration, confederate statues, who’s coming to dinner? multiculturalism, and all those who tell us unprompted that they have a black friend (yeah, yeah, his name is Clarence Thomas, we know that already). These people are the real problem. Now we can’t stop them from being racist, but what we can do is to make their lives horribly miserable whenever they show themselves in public.

You may ask, What are we going to do with them then? I cannot say, but rest assured we will be studying ALL the tactics that all their racist friends and ancestors have used over the centuries. All I know is they better hope Home Depot® doesn’t begin stocking thumbscrews.

I’ll admit I’ve used some big words here, and those words could be any words other than “ME LIKE TRUMP!” So it’s quite possible some will have to have this read to them. Slowly.

In closing, a critic might say, “But what about… Cats??”

…Well, they want you dead. They want me dead. They want every human being dead. I guess that would solve our racist problem once and for all, and I really don’t think the dogs will mind too much.