Friday, August 13th, 2021

Did you know that tomorrow is Happy Fascist Reinstatement Day?? It’s on Friday the 13th so it shouldn’t surprise you. Of course, for this fever dream to actually happen the way the insurrectionists would like, TODAY is going to be a VERY busy day!

Let’s review the timeline…

[6 AM EDT] As Your Favorite President Says, “I sign the best Executive Orders. No one signs an Executive Order like me.”

[87 AM EDT] Hungary for Some Lovin’ … Tucker Carlson hosts the Pre-Game Show from Budapest. His guests include all the familiar fasces. He’d tell you what’s going to happen, but you wouldn’t believe him, so he’ll just continue to look puzzled.

[11 AM EDT] Marjorie Taylor Greene battles Jewish Space Lasers. The victory is difficult: the enemy has discovered the Klingon Cloaking Device and thus is rendered invisible to all Trump Supporters nationwide. But trust us. We beat ‘em.

[12 PM MST] Sydney Powell unleashes the Kraken as Cyber Ninjas seize voting machines throughout the country. Now that all the votes have been gathered, there’s no bother for anyone to vote again. Ever. Rest easy.

[8 PM EDT] Do the Q-Anon-Thing: Satanic Pedophile Pizza Parlors are burned down across the nation. Matt Gaetz leads the charge and nobly provides shelter for all underage female victims of this monstrosity.

[9 PM CDT] Dropping the Mike: Mike Lindell to become next Vice President. Donald Trump is strongly disappointed on Mike Pence, but very happy he will not have to learn a new first name. All is right with the world.

[11 PM EDT] The Chosen One. Although the actual title of “45th President (again)” will take Congressional action by the surviving Republican legislators, Donald Trump doesn’t want to make a big deal about it. For now, just call him “Führer!”