State of the Union. Exclusive Preview
Despite an unusually fractious month, Donald Trump has resolved to address his still loyal supporters. Below is a transcript of that address. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States:
My fellow Americans….
What do I gotta do? What the fuck do I gotta do? Isn’t it obvious? Yet?? That I don’t particularly like this job? I could be making so much more money, tremendous amounts of cash, without all this fucking hassle if I just wasn’t President.
Impeach me! Throw me out of office! What are you? Dense? And they call me a fucking moron! SAD. Look… I’m a great checkers players. Perhaps the best there is. And it all comes natural. I didn’t do any studying. Not even a teeny bit. And yet you’ve never seen a checkers player like me before. I’m six steps ahead of you. No. I’m seven steps ahead of you. I’m eight steps ahead of Mueller.
I’m doing my part: I’m a fucking Russian asset! Their most valuable asset. I shut down the whole goddamn government. Me. All by myself. I’m this close to getting out NATO! I piss off every fucking country on the whole goddamn North American continent. Every fucking last one of them. Think you could do that?
I got tariffs out there that are fucking with the farmers—the fools that feed you and vote for me. I got tariffs that are fucking with the auto industry and their fucking executives. Go ahead. See what a car costs you at the end of this year! I got other tariffs fucking with those nerds in silicone valley. Fuckers. And the fucking coal miners think I’m their fucking friend! No, I’m not! I just like blackface! And Wall Street… All those fucking guys that are richer than me. Everything I do should have tanked that goddamn stock market. And then I’d be richer than them! Ha ha.
I goddamn get on the phone or make a speech or write a tweet that’s clearly obstruction of justice or overtly racist… And what do I get??
Crickets.
Old low energy Mitch-my-bitch just disappears. So fucking Nancy Pelosi won’t invite me over to make this State of the Union address. LIKE I CARE! I hate teleprompters. This is a transcript of me just talking to you. It’s all coming right out of my brain. (I have the best brain.) And it goes right to my mouth where I spit it out at you: The American People.
Everyone better start getting with the program. This is really putting a crimp in my style. Vlad told me that my hotel in Moscow is “as good as built” as soon as I get my ass over there. You wouldn’t know that, of course, because I don’t let anyone except the translator into our meetings. And then I take her notes. How obvious does it have to get? Before. You. Wise. Up. ??.
To be frank, Melania’s a real bore. Can’t wait to get the papers processed at the Russian procurator’s office. I know all there is to know about divorce and Russian procurators. She ain’t getting a goddamn dime. And then it’s all Russian hookers and pussy and pee for me!
So, my “fellow” Americans, tell your congressman to get on the stick instead of whacking it. And throw me out! Don’t make me have to go to the middle of Fifth Avenue and make you look dumber than you already are.
See ya, suckers!
