Original Intent for Dummies

Hi I’m Antonin Scalia and I’m dead…

But I want to tell you that your Constitution is as dead or deader than I am! Oh yes! It is not a living document. It is as shriveled, rotten and putrid as I am in my casket. So put down your cell phones and stop calling Über because we’re going by horse and buggy!

It’s a pure concept: Original Intent. Try to imagine yourself… WAY back in 1789! (You thought I was going to say 1776!… but that’s because you’re a dummy and you don’t know shit! That’s why you bought my book, moron.)

Now listen up… because this is important: There are three branches of government. Some people call them the Executive, Legislative and Judicial. But you don’t need to know that. You can just call them One, Two, and Three. There, wasn’t that easy? It also says (somewhere in there) that the President (One) nominates candidates for the Supreme Court (Three), and that the Senate (Two) will “advise and consent.” But that’s just original intent chin music: politics is the white space that the Constitution is written on.

Original Intent is the creative and sympathetic way to enter into the minds of 18th Century White Slaveholders. What do they think about government and what it does? The Constitution set up a very pleasant sinecure for them to relax by the Potomac whilst enjoying each other’s company. They had better things to do than regulation and innovation. Obamacare was unknown to them. Got a health problem? Get a leech! Or a wooden plug in your mouth… Call me in the morning!

One thing is clear from the Constitution: gay people are not “real citizens” with inalienable rights, but corporations are! That is because they are free and white slaveholders. Hadn’t you figured that out yet?

So much for The Constitution. Now?... On to The Amendments!

Some amendments are more equal than others. For example, the Second Amendment, although number two on the list, is first in our hearts. Because without the unfettered freedom to get guns how can we make sure that the speech, press, and religious freedoms are exactly the kind we want?

And the 16th Amendment? The right to levy an income tax?? Who put that in???

And then there’s the 14th Amendment that lets any 21-year male born or naturalized the right to vote. And the 15th extended this to males regardless of race or color. Our glorious forefathers didn’t know about all this. But I suppose we’ll have to go along until we get a few more conservatives on the court. And after we do?? We’ll only let Clarence Thomas have 3/5th’s of a vote! Ha ha.

And the 17th Amendment gave people the right to elect their own senators! What’s that about? Before the 17th, any prospective senator had to pull Excalibur out of the stone... The way God intended.

And then there was the 19th Amendment where women got the right to vote and all hell broke loose. But don’t you worry, we Original Intentists intend to put forward another amendment that prevents all future amendments. And if that works? Repeal the others!… Except the Second, of course!

Well, that’s about all you need to know. Our forefathers were brilliant and discerning people. Not a bit like today’s conservatives. That’s why we need Original Intent. And you need this book!

If all this was too complex for you, I have a sequel coming out: “Original Intent for Dummiers®,” if you can mark your “X” on a piece of paper, you can join Sarah Palin on the notification list!

Bye!

Antonin Scalia (Deceased)