Dick and Shakes

Yesterday the Senate overwhelmingly passed the Every Student Succeeds Act, which will replace the No Child Left Behind Act. Although it has flaws, it is a definite improvement and will reduce the number of tests students have been required to take all these years. Perhaps more time will now be spent on real education and not just test taking. In that spirit, I am offering the following primer—familiar to us who received a good public education a long time ago, but improved with the addition of some of the best English ever used. Read and know. I happily offer this to all the fifty states (especially Texas and their crazy book depository), and am available to discuss terms. Call me...

Oh look. Look and see. See Dick. See Jane. See Dick and Jane. They are looking for Spot. They will look and see if they can see Spot, see?

“Oh look,” said Dick. “I’ll swear’t. If word nor oath prevail not, go and see.1 But first let me see, let me see, let me see.”2

“What in the world are you talking about?” asked Jane.

“To have seen what I have seen, see what I see!”3 exclaimed Dick.

“Well, if ever I do see the merry days of desolation that I have seen, some shall see.”4 replied Jane.

“What shall some see?”4 asked Dick.

“Nay, nothing Master Moth, but what they look upon.”4

“But my name is Dick,” said Dick.

“By any other name would smell as sweet,”5 said Jane.

“Let us find Spot,” said Dick. “Let us go and see if we can find Spot.”

“What we do not see we tread upon,”6 observed Jane.

“Eccchhhh!” cried Dick. “Wait a minute Jane! I cannot see to wipe my shoes.”7

“How camest thou in this pickle?”8 asked Jane.

“Spot did it!” cried Dick. “Not all the water in the rough rude sea can wash the balm from an anointed king.9 Oh be thou damn’ed inexcrable dog!”10

“It is pretty messy, isn’t it?” said Jane.

“Tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door, but ‘tis enough, ‘twill serve.”11 said Dick. “And where is that mutt Spot?!”

“He is in inside, Dick,” said Jane. “He is indoors.”

“Get out here, Spot!” yelled Dick. “Out! Out damned Spot, out I say.”12

“The watchdogs bark: bow wow,”13 said Spot. “Jane?...” said Dick. “Did I hear Spot speak??”

“Can a dog speak?” said Spot. “Hath a dog money? Is it possible a cur can lend thee three thousand ducats?”14

“I think Crab my dog be the sourest natured dog that lives,”15 said Jane.

“But my name is Spot,” said Spot.

“By any other name would smell as sweet,”16 said Jane.

“Well, he doesn’t smell sweet to me,” muttered Dick. “You ruinous butt, you whoreson indistinguishable cur.”17

And thereby hangs a tale...18

Of course, vulgar minds cannot grasp an inspired idea like this, therefore I fully expect my primer will go unadopted. However, it is certainly not an idea to shake a spear at. Until it’s time does come... the rest is silence. 19

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“Dick and Shakes” originally appeared the Sagebrush, September 9, 1975.

------ FOOTNOTES------

1 The Winter’s Tale, III:2:104

2 Twelfth Night, II:5:122

3 Hamlet, III:1:168

4 Love Labour’s Lost, I:2:164-69

5 Romeo and Juliet, II:2:23

6 Measure for Measure, II:1:24

7 The Two Gentlement of Verona, II:1:173

8 The Tempest, V:1:281

9 Richard II, III:2:54