A Look Ahead to The Future
Dear Little Zygote,
Congratulations! Your life began a moment ago at your conception! We want you to know that Today's Republican Party® is right there with you! We're Pro-Life, you see, and it doesn't matter to us how your life began… whether within the sanctity of heterosexual marriage or by rape or immaculate conception. We're on your side.
Now if your mommy loves you as she should, you'll be receiving good obstetric care through her workplace health plan or her husband's—or perhaps that of mommy' parents if she's under 16. Of course, if you've been clever enough to attach yourself to the womb of the 1%, you'll get the best attention money can buy.
On the other hand, if mommy has been irresponsible and does not have access to these forms of health care, then, don't worry, there's always The Emergency Room if things start to go wrong. Remember, we want you to be born. (We practically insist on it: We won't even let mommy's health stand in the way!)
Regrettably, we do not like offering prenatal care to the uninsured. To us, it sounds too much like socialism... or ewww... Obamacare.
But before you know it, comes The Big Day and, finally… you're born! Our job here is finished.
Since we've helped you, now we want to show you how YOU can help us!
First, you'll need an education. We don't want any dummies walking around our country. Well, not any more than is necessary: They have proven quite useful at Tea Party rallies though. We're hoping you'll be attending a private school or a charter school or a parochial school. We don't think you'll get the correct education in public schools, so we're doing our best to eliminate them. Maybe mommy can home school you!
If your teachers are carrying concealed weapons there's a very good chance you may finish the primary grades!
After school—if you can afford it or get a scholarship—go on to college! We don't do Pell grants though. But if you're unable to afford college, don't worry... Just join the workforce!! If you can.
And whenever you do, you can thank us that it's nearly impossible for you to combine with your fellow workers in any kind of labor organization and get the ability to collectively bargain. Never forget, we are protecting you from Communism. Ooooh… be very scared.
Perhaps before working, you may want to patriotically volunteer for any of the wars we're so eager to wage. Go ahead then! You'll be able to see foreign countries! On OUR dime!!!!
If you get wounded—and we sincerely hope you don't—you'll need to receive some kind of care. And of course we're not heartless... We'll make sure you get… some kind of care.
If you become unemployed and somehow have qualified for unemployment insurance benefits, consider yourself lucky… we must not have gotten around to repealing them entirely. But don't come whining to us if they run out. We always bend over backwards for our Job Creators, so you just go get a job from them, 'kay?
There's a chance that despite the economic opportunity that we've been giving you, you decide to take up a life of crime. (Not white-collar financial crime, mind you, that's something different.) Well, we believe in strict law enforcement, so whatever it is you've done, we'll make sure that the punishment is appropriate—hard time or the chair. Since we hope to privatize all the prisons one day, there's a distinct possibility you'll be working hard to suppport your own incarceration, and so it won't cost us anything!
However, it is irrelevant to us whether you use a gun or not. That's your business.
One of these days, if you get old enough, you'll be receiving Social Security and Medicare. That is, if we still haven't figured out a way to get rid of them. But we'll certainly try to increase the starting age, so you won't be on them for very long in any case.
Then, finally, when you're on your death bed... And your breathing is labored and your pulse is weak and there's absolutely no hope for recovery… When your doctor, after consulting with your family, is ready to pull the plug on you… Today's Republican Party® will be there at your side, desperately holding onto that wire and plug with all the strength we can muster.
You see? We're Pro-Life.
You're welcome!
